Someone takes a swing at Lampard, FA ban Adebayor for another game, “just in case”.

From a wholly unreliable source -

Bergkampgallery.com were shocked to find out that the FA are to increase Adebayor’s ban by yet another game after an assistant referee’s report picked out Emmanual Adebayor as the guilty party during a fracas at the recent Spurs/Chelsea cup quarter final.

The Assistant, Mr Blind DumbAss-Cunt, from Tring, was quoted as saying, “I didn’t actually see the incident when a fan came on the pitch to swing at Lampard, and it is in these tricky situations where rule 351a comes into play – “It must have been Adebayor.”

Adebayor has accepted the ban and not appealed the decision to the FA due to a technicality his lawyer referred to as the “blind racist cunts” issue. Frank Lampard revealed that Adebayor had nothing to do with the incident in his opinion, but if that is what the official saw, then his hands were tied (Which made it very difficult for him to get his Mars Bar out of his kit bag.

Spurs themselves have made the rather odd decision of banning the suspected real guilty party from White Hart Lane for life – they appear to believe this will be a discouragement to future incidents and not just a way of rewarding the supporter. The fan himself was unable to comment as he was too busy celebrating – something he hasn’t been able to do inside the ground this late in the season for many years.

Secret recording of Wenger and Lehmann reveals truth about current Arsenal troubles.

I managed to get a preview of a covert tape recording between Jens Lehmann and Arsene Wenger which is to appear in tomorrow’s News of the World. Most of it is boring team stuff and bits of family chit chat, but after a pause half way through there is a section of insight about the three defeats in a row and the current state of the Arsenal side…it is quite interesting. I would have put it on yesterday, but it was in German predominantly, and my German isn’t that good.

Arsene: (after long pause)You’ll have to play tomorrow Jens. There is just no one left. We’ll test your shoulder in the morning.

Jens: You know I always want to play.

Arsene: (laughs nervously) You do. And the other 25 players that I have receiving treatment. I may have to start playing Liam’s [Brady] side!

Jens: No. You must not do that. The tide will change.

Arsene: (after pause) What, Jens?

Jens: (quietly) You do not know?

Arsene: Know what?

Jens: The Vice Chairman’s masterplan.

Arsene: Dein

Jens: Dein. He has been in discussions with parties about the lying cheating FA.

Arsene: I hate those racist bastards – why did they not send off Lampard and Cesc – white that’s why!

Jens: Exactly. But Dein’s revolution will come. (shuffling of paper) There are entrance points here and here. The FA will be forced to watch your video of the Carling Cup at gunpoint. They will be asked about Emmanuel [Adebayor] until they give the right answer.

Arsene: (laughs) Nice. But the bastards will probably ban him for another game.

Jens: But he didn’t touch Lampard, they wouldn’t be that stupid.

Arsene: What colour is Adebayor? Who does he play for? And he hit a nice white England boy.

Interesting reading I’m sure you’ll agree. Or maybe not.

Spot the difference

This originally had an unfair picture of Hleb and a donkey, comparing the two. The picture was added in March 2007, at a time when Hleb was not playing well and when Arsenal had exited a number of competitions in close succession.

As I write this in December, 2007, I realise I was premature in my criticism of Hleb. In the season 2007/8, so far, Hleb has been absolutely awesome. I apologise unreservedly for my previous criticism of Hleb, my judgement was wrong. It proves that Arsene Wenger is better at spotting talent than me, which is why he’s doing his job and I’m doing mine.

This all goes to show…Arsene knows.

theboyloizou
Dec 2007

I don’t like losing

Back to our usual format of letting Arsenal players write the content of the site. Today’s writer is Adebayor, son of Kanu.

Hello Arsenal fans all over the world, especially all my brothers in Togo. Ha ha whos the silly lanky boy now, eh? My best mate’s Titi now.

I have to tell you my friends that I did not punch Lampard. Nor did I aim a punch at Lampard. Nor did I take away his half time Maltesers.

I respect Lampard totally, my friends. There are not many players who reach his level of performance and success at both International and club level, especially given his disabilities. Unfortunately it has been a secret for many years that Frank has a fear of 7 stone weakling Spaniards.

Its true. Both Frank, and Michael Ballack for that matter, have a fear of going into a tackle or facing up to a fight with any dimunitive Spaniards of any description. Frank used to cry himself to sleep just thinking about touching Jose Antonio Reyes. It only happened in one game and both were still rolling around on the floor in fear of physical harm some weeks later.

I have to admit that as a 8 foot seven man mountain from beautiful Togo, I myself am most frightened of Cesc. Since he got his brand new Peugeot he really thinks he’s the man. I remember a big fight between him and Walcott at London Colney. It got pretty nasty and the boss had to seperate them with a pair of tweezers.

So, my friends, spare a thought for poor old Frank next time you eat a whole Tolberone – just imagine the fear you would feel if you had his condition and had to face the wrath of Cesc. It sends shivers down my spine, and my spine is 7 feet long, so that’s some shiver!

Anyway I must go now, I’ve got to go to my Salsa classes, and my partner Thierry is waiting. Boy he got some hips. MMMmmhmmm.

Until next time my friends – Voyez-vous dans la galerie de Bergkamp !

Kanu Emmanuel Adebayor

Carling Cup

On the way there I kinda said that it was just for the day out and I didn’t care about the result. I did also predict that Walcott would score and that we would lose 2-1. I thought I’d be OK about it and I fucking wasn’t.

You see I forgot it was Chelsea. I forgot all those years of being a nothing shithead club. Second division. Sold for a quid. Bought by a bearded deluded furcoat wearing rabbit shagger and then bought up by a Russian oligarch who murdered and maimed his way to a billion. I forgot Chelsea’s glory days supporters with their fresh new shirts and their older die hard fans who have covered up their tatooes and skinheads and sold their razor blades and bought machetes since their recent upgrade.

We lost. I’m OK with that. It happens. A few more times in Chelsea’s history than ours, but it happens. What I can’t get over is all the crap about “the shame”, “the fight”, “the same old Arsenal petulance”. It fucking galls me that it comes against a team owned by a man who may well have blood on his hands, from Chelsea fans who used to have a reputation of having blood on their hands.

I heard on the radio people talking about the celery throwing stuff. That don’t bother me either. The day a game is stopped due to a vegetable is the day I stop going. On Radio 5 one Chelsea supporter said it was tradition to throw celery at players. As if Chelsea would know anything about tradition. Of course the unbiased BBC commentator agreed – it was Ok to throw celery, because at least it wasn’t coins! It was, he agreed just tradition….So what about the bottles that were thrown? Another listener asked if it would be OK to throw bananas. NO, was the reply, that would be racist and inappropriate.

So the message from the BBC is bottles and vegetables OK. Soft fruit and coins not OK. I wonder where they stand on tomatoes?

With the home game against Chelsea coming up, I suggest us friendly gooners, conscious of the place of tradition and history in our club, start up a new tradition of throwing things at players (especially dear old Ashley). I have compiled a list of things that may be thrown according to BBC guidelines (with thanks to Alan Green?):

1. Excrement. Your own faeces are perfectly acceptable to lob at any passing Chelsea player. Especially if you are a vegetarian.

2. Radishes and marrows. Two ends of the scale here. Radishes are of course small and useful for a long range punt at Lampard as he puffs round midfield like an outing of Weight Watchers on a Zepplin. Marrows for their sheer spread and volume should be deployed from club level only. Both in line with the BBC’s fruit and veg guidelines.

3. Coins. Even though the BBC have officially outlawed he throwing of coins at players, they have not ruled on chocolate coins. The game against Chelsea is in May, and melting sweaty chocolate coins may provide a lethal sliding hazard for the likes of Wayne Bridge to slide on and act like he’s been tripped with razor wire. Image the disappointment on Ashley’s face when he frantically picks up all the loose change only to discover it was merely chocolate (plus imagine the glee on Lampard’s face as he eyes his half time choccy snack).

All this has been officially sanctioned by Alan Green at the BBC. Not coins, not bottles, not bananas. Remember gooners – Tradition with vision.

See you in the Bergkamp gallery,

theboyloizou

Very busy period – lots to get through.

On this occasion no guest reviewer I’m afraid, so you’ll have to put up with opinions straight from me…but I do have some decent quotes from the players.

1. vs Blackburn (home) won 6-2

Fantastic game. Robbie Savage is a twat. Tell him if you see him. Cesc confirmed that by ‘megging him. Then he confirmed it by diving (more of which later). Nearly had everything this one, going down to an early pen, some shocking refereeing, good atmosphere and a goal from flim-flam. Mark Hughes is also a twat. David Bentley grabbed his cock in our direction when we sang songs about him. “Bentley, what’s the score, Bentley, Bentley what’s the score?” and “Ashley’s boyfriend, Ashley’s boyfriend”

2. vs Watford (away) won 2-1

Dreary dire. Team didn’t know what to do. Van Persie had one of his worst games. Relief when we got the winner. Absolutely no direct play, why hit one pass when 536 will do.

3. vs Sheffield (away) lost 0-1

Trend continued. Directionless. Leaderless. Inept. I hate the North. Quote from Wenger, “Tremendous team spirit..blah blah”. Quote from theboyloizou, “I hate the fucking North and every cunt in it – especially Neil fucking Warnockthecock”.

4. Charlton (home) won 4-0

Pardew. Ha ha fucking ha. “Pardew for Tottenham!”. “Pardew what’s the score?” I always had a soft spot for Charlton, but with the cunt Pardew in charge, the spot is filled with putrified pus. Quote from Wenger, “Tremendous team spirit”. Quote from theboyloizou, “Have that Pardew you cunt, and go and pick up your second P45 in less than a month. Wanker!”

5 & 6. The Liverpools (away) won 9-3

This is Anfield. This is a drubbing mate, twice, with our reserves, and hands off my hubcabs you theiving Northern shower. I loved every minute of both our slaughters. The Beast was heard to say, “I think the boss will find it hard to drop me now (hard to pick him up in the first place really). I am so happy after scoring these goals I may have to visit the dog’s home before I leave. I believe Gerrard has a pony for his children. That would be very tasty.”

7. Blackburn (away) won 2-0.

Savage in still a cunt shocker. Diving Welsh prick. Gilberto, so gentle he would take flowers to an Iraqi hanging, tapped that united reject on the shin only for him to go down quicker than Ashley Cole at the Chelsea team “get together”. Mmm, Frank! Anyway we punished them. Quote from Robin Van “Gilberto should not have been sent off, but the team pulled together and punished them . I love punishment, for sure, especially from a nice big girl with big thighs in Amsterdam. This one time, me and the Holland under-21 had a game, and after training we dressed in our special oiled up Holland kit and hit the streets for some coffee and whipped cream, if you know what I mean.” Thanks for that Robin!

More on another day – back to reviews by the team I think. Anyway soon its time to fuck the Mancs up!

See you in the Bergkamp Gallery,

theboyloizou

Superman IV: The quest for the Beast

Today’s guest writer gives us an alternative perspective on the game against Portsmouth, as David James gives us his thoughts.

The first thing I noticed when I got on the pitch at Ashburton Grove was that Cesc had a new haircut. Nice simple crop. Not as nice as that mullet he used to have. As I was saying to Lois Lane back at the Chronicle offices just the other day, those Arsenal boys are just not being bold enough in their styling. Their performance lack body and the team don’t always gel or even mousse.

I met the boys off the coach at the stadium after arriving late at an emergency back in Metropolis – some ex-Arsenal players had escaped from the old people’s home and were causing havoc. I had to get them back behind bars before they caused themselves some harm, or before the gaffer Harry Redknapp signed them up – he can’t resist an old gooner – Winterburn, Wright, Adams, Campbell, Kanu, Hartson – its as close as he’ll get to managing them.

The game went well. I used my powers to help the team to a two goal lead, by blinding the Arsenal defence with the shine from my hair at the crucial moment. Then things began to change when Abedayor came on with some Kryptonite polish on his boots. Two nil up went to two two, and we would have lost as well had I not flashed a picture of a topless pole dancer at van Persie just as he took his shot.

After the game I used my x-ray vision to tell if Pedro Mendes had any shower gel left in his bottle, he did, but he still didn’t take a shower the dirty stinky man.

Anyway, here’s to peace, justice and the American way. And up the Pompey, or up wherever I might be playing in January when the new Chairman’s cheques all clear.

See you in the Bergkamp Gallery (“Let’s hope fucking not!” – theboyloizou).

Clark Kent  David James

Wigan must be crushed like flies

Hi to all you guys from the Bergkamp Gallery here. It is mad Jens Lehmann here giving you my view from behind.

It will not be enough, meine freunde, for us to beat Wigan this evening. No we must roll our mighty team bus into the centre of Wigan. We must not look to wave to any Wiganny infidels to either the left or right of our bus. We must occupy our dressing room and use our superior Arsenal minds to plan and calculate a way to crush Wigan into submission. Their defeat will be a victory for history, for tradition and for the Arsenal.

We must be hungrier than Frank Lampard. More powerful than the Beast sprinting towards a plateful of offal. And more clinincal in execution than one of Abramovich’s “business managers” in Russia. And then the uberArsenal will rise from the ashen waste lands of Wigan with the smell of victory fresh in our nostrils.

Gekommen auf Sie Rottöne. Gekommen auf Sie Rottöne. Gekommen auf Sie Rottöne

See you in the Bergkamp Gallery. Auf Wiedersehen!

Mad Jens

Ashley Cole…Twat or arsehole…you decide.

Today’s guest writer, Cesc Fabregas, talks about Chelsea, Ashley and Wiganny…

Hola residentes de la galería de Bergkamp. Its Cesc here with my thoughts on the week so far.

It is a relief to qualify for the knockout stages of the Champions League. The draw in Porto was not a good game, but it was enough. The real quality teams come in the knockout stages and its good coming up to Christmas with something to look forward to apart from all those great presents (please let me get an iPod oh please please).

The best thing about qualification though is all those evening kick offs and going to bed late and Dad can’t say anything like he did when he caught me playing Pro-Evolution at TEN O’CLOCK..on a school, I mean training night too. Odio, del dios I mis padres!

The Chelsea game was a better one than the Porto one. Although I did have to see that nasty boy Ashley again. He’s not my friend anymore. He’s a cheater and said horrid things behind my back and then told everyone in a book that no-one wants to read (Tee hee, you are so funny Jens. You ARE my friend!!!). He says he doesn’t know anything about me but that’s not true because he came round my house and he played with my Scalectrix and I let him use my special James Bond Aston Martin. I even let him take my puppies for a walk – ooh I miss those puppies after what naughty Julio did. But he did say sorry and bought me some sweets, so thats OK!

Anyway I didn’t throw any pizza, because Mum says that that’s a waste of food especially when there are starving children in the world, and I would have to go straight to my room. But I don’t like anchovies. Yuk they are fish and smelly and I just threw them off my pizza. Ashley always said he liked the smell of fish.

Next we have Wigan on wednesday. Another evening kick off and a late night for me (YES!! – see Dad I can stay up late and still get Mr Wenger’s tactical homework in on time, I told you). If we play like we did against Chelsea we can win. I feel much safer in midfield with Hleb and Gilberto beside me, playing with Julio makes me sad for my poor puppies

Anyway, that’s all from me ‘cos my Dad is coming upstairs and he doesn’t like me spending too long on the computer ‘cos its bad for my eyes.

Adiós y véale en el gellery de Bergkamp!

Baptista says sorry – I couldn’t help myself

Cumprimentos da besta!

Hello from Julio Baptista. Nice guy Dennis asked me to write a few words before the game against Hamburg (I really like those Hamburgers, extra cheese…Delicioso…mucho delicioso…I’ll be back in a minute…)

Sorry about that Arsenal fans, I just suddenly felt very hungry. Next door’s cat sure taste good flame grilled with cheese in a soft bap. Anyway, I know we must beat Hamburg (mmmm, no no, resist Julio, resist!), and with meu amigo Gilberto back from Brazil, we should be tighter at the back.

It is a real shame that William Gallas is to be injured for a while with a thigh strain, but it does mean extra portions at lunch so it is not all bad…mais carne para a besta…mmm.

I must apologise for the way I played on Saturday against Newcastles. Cesc bought in three puppies to training before the game and although I said I couldn’t eat a whole one, it seems I could…filhotes de cachorro encantadores…muito agradável!

Because of this I was a little slow on the pitch, and I really shouldn’t have stopped off at the donkey sanctury on the way…eeyore mmm.

I promise I will play better against Hamburg. Thierry has told me he will get me a tofu to have before the game. I have never had tofu before so I hope it is nice. I think I will eat its heart first.

Vindo em você vermelhos! See you in the Bergkamp Gallery.

The Beast