Must win game against Spurs – preview by Peter Hill Wood

Good morning Arsenal Fans.

I thought I’d write today’s preview of the game against our local rivals, ensuring that the traditional English values of our team are preserved. There are far too many Yanks and cheating Russians (the cold war’s not over in my view) in English football. At least we can rely on the Arsenal and our traditional values to preseve the Englishness of the game.

On Saturday lunch time our French manager will take our glorious English side to local rivals Spurs. There were concerns over Spanish midfielder Cesc Fabregas, French midfielder Abou Diaby and Swedish midfielder Freddie Ljungberg, but, according to our English medical staff, these injuries appear to have cleared. Likely line up is to be:

Lehmann (Germany)
Toure (Ivory Coast)
Gallas (France)
Eboue (Ivory Coast)
Clichy (France)
Gilberto (Brazil)
Fabregas (Spain)
Hleb (Belarus – formerly dirty cheating Russians)
Rosicky (Czech Republic)
Adebayor (Togo)
Baptista (Brazil)

We will play a Tottenham side who have in their history had foreign investment in their team and paid the price of that particular folly. They have a Dutch manager, in that Jol chap, and the Dutch, as we know, are renowned for their low morals, drug taking, and penchant for prostitution and bizarre sexual preferences. Jol’s own mother, according to you fans, is herself involved in the sex industry (She does, I am told, “take it up the wrongun for a score!” – whatever that might mean). They also have rejected the policy of developing their own talent, chosing instead to buy foreign rubbish. English, we know is best – look at the England team – strong traditional values and a continual record of success and fairness in competition.

I have asked Mr Wenger to adopt tactics appropriate to a traditional English teams. The boys will consume a breakfast of fried egg, sausage, bacon, black pudding and teas with three sugars. On the coach to the game, Mr Wenger will distribute cigars, and cigarettes (I have recommended Capstan full strength). Before kick off they will have a cognac to warm themselves up. At half time, Mr Wenger will offer energy drinks – champagne cocktails and glasses of claret – before resuming for the second half. After the game, the whole team will dine at the Savoy on fois gras to celebrate a marvellous victory!

We thank you for you continued marvellous English support in our new state of the art stadium, built from designs by Scandinavian arcitects and sposored by Arabs.

I must repeat that this club is, and never will be for sale. We will not sacrifice its English character for the short term gains of the American dollar. However, I have noticed the exchange rate is particularly strong at the moment. Hmmm.

See you in the Bergkamp Gallery! Come on you traditional, English, not for sale Gunners!

Peter Hil-Wood