Must win game against Spurs – preview by Peter Hill Wood

Good morning Arsenal Fans.

I thought I’d write today’s preview of the game against our local rivals, ensuring that the traditional English values of our team are preserved. There are far too many Yanks and cheating Russians (the cold war’s not over in my view) in English football. At least we can rely on the Arsenal and our traditional values to preseve the Englishness of the game.

On Saturday lunch time our French manager will take our glorious English side to local rivals Spurs. There were concerns over Spanish midfielder Cesc Fabregas, French midfielder Abou Diaby and Swedish midfielder Freddie Ljungberg, but, according to our English medical staff, these injuries appear to have cleared. Likely line up is to be:

Lehmann (Germany)
Toure (Ivory Coast)
Gallas (France)
Eboue (Ivory Coast)
Clichy (France)
Gilberto (Brazil)
Fabregas (Spain)
Hleb (Belarus – formerly dirty cheating Russians)
Rosicky (Czech Republic)
Adebayor (Togo)
Baptista (Brazil)

We will play a Tottenham side who have in their history had foreign investment in their team and paid the price of that particular folly. They have a Dutch manager, in that Jol chap, and the Dutch, as we know, are renowned for their low morals, drug taking, and penchant for prostitution and bizarre sexual preferences. Jol’s own mother, according to you fans, is herself involved in the sex industry (She does, I am told, “take it up the wrongun for a score!” – whatever that might mean). They also have rejected the policy of developing their own talent, chosing instead to buy foreign rubbish. English, we know is best – look at the England team – strong traditional values and a continual record of success and fairness in competition.

I have asked Mr Wenger to adopt tactics appropriate to a traditional English teams. The boys will consume a breakfast of fried egg, sausage, bacon, black pudding and teas with three sugars. On the coach to the game, Mr Wenger will distribute cigars, and cigarettes (I have recommended Capstan full strength). Before kick off they will have a cognac to warm themselves up. At half time, Mr Wenger will offer energy drinks – champagne cocktails and glasses of claret – before resuming for the second half. After the game, the whole team will dine at the Savoy on fois gras to celebrate a marvellous victory!

We thank you for you continued marvellous English support in our new state of the art stadium, built from designs by Scandinavian arcitects and sposored by Arabs.

I must repeat that this club is, and never will be for sale. We will not sacrifice its English character for the short term gains of the American dollar. However, I have noticed the exchange rate is particularly strong at the moment. Hmmm.

See you in the Bergkamp Gallery! Come on you traditional, English, not for sale Gunners!

Peter Hil-Wood

Unique opportunity for Arsenal fans, or any other bozo with £45million in his pocket.

Today’s guest writer, fresh from the sunlamp, is David Dein.

Good evening.

Dennis Bergkamp has kindly allowed me this opportunity to write on his website. I thank him for this and hope you could give me some of your time to discuss a unique opportunity.

I have, as you know, parted company with Arsenal Football Club PLC, after many successful and exciting years. This allows me to offer the public and loyal support of the Arsenal a proportion of my shareholding in Arsenal PLC.

What you will receive 

For the sum of just £45million pounds, you will receive:

1. A seat on Arsenal’s board. However, please note that as a condition of the sale I will, of course retain this place on the board.

2. An opportunity to sit in the crowd and occasionally appear in National newspapers as being responsible for the decline in English football. Which, the papers will say, is now solely about money and not about sportmanship and how other teams cannot compete, which undermines the Premiership and England’s chances of winning the World Cup. This will however, be very temporary because within months they will be falling overthemselves and drooling at the grossly overpaid megastars you will pay for, and who will fill their pages.

3. You will also be hated by all fans of the club, because you don’t represent their traditional values. Until you start winning stuff, when your fan base will mysteriously increase, everyone will start wearing the club’s replica shirts, and claim they supported the club since “as long ago as early 2005, when they were only second, so I’m not a glory hunter, alright! What’s our goalkeeper’s name again?”

4. A commemorative “I fucked up Arsenal” Membership pack. This exclusive pack, only available to shareholders and new monied fleecers come with an exclusive book – containing interviews with the players (not Arsenal players), pictures from the training ground (or just outside from my Porsche, before I got moved on) and holiday snaps of my kids many years ago in Gwent (had to fill the pages somehow), also an exclusive pen (broken and nicked from Argos), and genuine replica fake rubber Thierry Henry nipple(or other player if this player’s fake nipple is not available) .

How your investment will be used at the club.

The money you invest will be used to:

1. Pay overrated world stars inflated salaries to keep our subs bench warm. Whilst allowing our developed and committed talent time to rot in the reserves before being sold to one of our competitors and coming back to haunt us later on.

2. Money will also be used to test out a number of foreign and high profile managers with little or no success.

3. Current world stars at the club will be sold to pay off my own vast credit card debt accumalated at Sindy’s Sunarium on the Ball’s Pond Road. Thanks Sind, you’re a treasure!

Please send cheques (US Dollars at current exchange rate – International Money Drafts accepted) for £45,000,000 to:

David Dein
Behind the burger stand on the corner of Drayton Park,
Only after 6pm on match days,
London N5 1BU

See you in the Bergkamp Gallery! (or possibly standing on a box outside the Auld Triangle selling Ashley Cole CD’s)

PS Thanks once again for the selling space again Dennis. Ebay charge 12p for this sort of thing nowadays.