A feeling of real value

Often as a supporter you feel like the team are just not listening. When you shout at Ronaldo that he is a ladyboy, or to Ashley Cole that he is a queer, or simply telling your team that they are crap and need to sort their lives out. So it is comforting to hear how the gooners forced Adebayor out of Arsenal by hurling abuse at him. It is fantastic to think of him weeping into his wallet, wiping away his tears with a tenner, thinking to himself “What have I done to deserve all this?”

Seeing as fan’s songs suddenly have this power – any minute I expect 10 men to attempt to lift Frank Lampard with a fork lift truck.

In amongst all the gloom – a ray of sunshine

We are doomed. You know it. I know it. Ashley Cole knows it. Now we have sold the 9ft 7in striker Greedybayor to the United Arab Mancs we will inevitably lose our fourth sport to Man City. How long will it be before the papers are full of “Spurs to take Arsenal’s Euro place claims Twitchy Redknapp”. Nasri has broken his leg – more doom. The only solution is to spend, spend, spend. So I am going to take a quick look at all the players who would definitely improve our squad.

1. Darren Bent
With a prooven goalscoring record in the top flight, Bent would undoubtedly fill the void left by the permanently offside, hard working Togo international Greedybayor.

2. Roman Pavlyuchenko
Another world class striker with proven pedigree. The main problem here is would our rivals sell him to us without a substantial offer. About eight quid would probably prise him away.

3. Robbie Keane
This celtic warrior would undoubtedly be a success at our club – so prolific that he’d probably have netted 3 by december. Can undoubtedly cope with the step up to the big time as shown by his time on Merseyside.

 

So what do you think? What useless bag of shit can we get as a like for like for Greedybayor?

theboyloizou

Confirmed Transfer of Van Persie, Toure, Eboue and Song

With the transfer window almost closed, I spent a lot of the day refreshing the BBC transfer day page hoping I would see – Wenger confirms late transfer of Deco/Messi/Ronaldinho/Ronaldo/Pele/George Best to Arsenal. But no. I did feel disheartened until someone mentioned that this month will probably see the return of Van Persie, Toure and the rest of the African nations posse. I rekon I’d perfer that lot coming back than half a dozen sulky Anelkas. So I feel quite smug now, as I imagine Wenger does when he sees the millions splashed out.

My only concern is that with Arsenal’s reported millions in the bank and massive annual turnover, what exactly is all that money for? Without success on the pitch its all meaningless. Perhaps they can give us all massive cuts in season ticket prices next year!

Anyway – its February – almost – we’re level with MUFC at the top. Champions League still ongoing, FA Cup still ongoing and the team is starting to purr again. Happy days. So you can take your transfer window and slam it shut now for all I care.

See you in the Bergkamp Gallery

theboyloizou

The end of my tether.

That’s it. After Nine years of smashing the scum home and away, they actually beat us. It only took nine years, it only took nine years. Usually I have been restrained with gloating in our realtive success compared to the shitheads down the road, but not now. The number of people who crawled out of the woodwork to gloat in their victory over the Arse. No fucking class. Pure and simple. All those nine years of victory and I have shown immense restraint. Never once deliberately going up to a known Spurs fan and saying “ha ha lost again you self deluding bunch of worthless cunts”.

But I am here to officially announce the end of my tether. All restraint has now been lost.

So…

To all spurs fans,
Ha ha fucking ha. Out of the FA Cup you bunch of cunts. And Chelsea are gonna stuff you in the worthless cup. We beat you twice in the league. You are never going to be in the Champions League in my lifetime. Everyone said you would take fourth place when we sold Henry. But you’re fucking nowhere and we are up the top with those Manky cunts. Enjoy your glory why you can – it won’t last long. 61, never again. You could be born a spurs fan today and never win a trophy before you die even if you lived to 1000. You are all cunts and any sort of personal disaster that befalls upon you is well deserved.

So all fuck off and die you bunch of worthless vermin.

Long time dead.

Well, it’s been a long time since I’ve written anything on here, but a big shout goes out to loud marc, Dearo and Westbury for making a couple of comments and beginning to make this what it was intended to be – a homage to the noisy boys (and girls) of Block 6 at the Emirates who are proud to be not the North Bank, not the Clock End, but the Bergkamp Gallery. Perhaps you would like to write some inane crap on here too!!

Well, I suppose this gives me a chance to write about Chelsea on Sunday. Well RVP had a good hour’s run on Wednesday, so I guess he’ll play. And AW seems to be positive about Fab, Hleb and Flimflam – so that’s all well and good. However, regardless of who plays, I’m sure the Bergkamp Gallery will need no reminding of who the star of the show must be – Ashley cunting Cole.

It’s perfectly simple. Wenger has asked us to lay off him and applaud him. I respect Wenger’s wishes, but the big nasty Gooner inside me tells me to make Ashley’s day a fucking living nightmare. (I expect at least a dozen warnings to Wigs to keep quiet). I expect all the other boys who have posted to the site will also give their all. Hopefully the little twat will be subbed after an hour in floods of tears.

Remember we took Cole from a school boy, trained him, treated him as one of our own, some of us even thought of him as a future Captain, then when he was a star, we offered this midget chav 55k a week to play for the club he apparently loved – and he fucked off to the scum in blue. He must, and shall, be made to regret this foolhardy rejection. We must show him that he will never be welcome at his boyhood club again….fucking arsehole.

Until Sunday. See you in the Bergkamp gallery.

theboyloizou

Arsenal at centre of new George Lucas blockbuster

Dna dna dna dna dna dna dna dna…Robin

Welcome home, Ashley!!

Must win game against Spurs – preview by Peter Hill Wood

Good morning Arsenal Fans.

I thought I’d write today’s preview of the game against our local rivals, ensuring that the traditional English values of our team are preserved. There are far too many Yanks and cheating Russians (the cold war’s not over in my view) in English football. At least we can rely on the Arsenal and our traditional values to preseve the Englishness of the game.

On Saturday lunch time our French manager will take our glorious English side to local rivals Spurs. There were concerns over Spanish midfielder Cesc Fabregas, French midfielder Abou Diaby and Swedish midfielder Freddie Ljungberg, but, according to our English medical staff, these injuries appear to have cleared. Likely line up is to be:

Lehmann (Germany)
Toure (Ivory Coast)
Gallas (France)
Eboue (Ivory Coast)
Clichy (France)
Gilberto (Brazil)
Fabregas (Spain)
Hleb (Belarus – formerly dirty cheating Russians)
Rosicky (Czech Republic)
Adebayor (Togo)
Baptista (Brazil)

We will play a Tottenham side who have in their history had foreign investment in their team and paid the price of that particular folly. They have a Dutch manager, in that Jol chap, and the Dutch, as we know, are renowned for their low morals, drug taking, and penchant for prostitution and bizarre sexual preferences. Jol’s own mother, according to you fans, is herself involved in the sex industry (She does, I am told, “take it up the wrongun for a score!” – whatever that might mean). They also have rejected the policy of developing their own talent, chosing instead to buy foreign rubbish. English, we know is best – look at the England team – strong traditional values and a continual record of success and fairness in competition.

I have asked Mr Wenger to adopt tactics appropriate to a traditional English teams. The boys will consume a breakfast of fried egg, sausage, bacon, black pudding and teas with three sugars. On the coach to the game, Mr Wenger will distribute cigars, and cigarettes (I have recommended Capstan full strength). Before kick off they will have a cognac to warm themselves up. At half time, Mr Wenger will offer energy drinks – champagne cocktails and glasses of claret – before resuming for the second half. After the game, the whole team will dine at the Savoy on fois gras to celebrate a marvellous victory!

We thank you for you continued marvellous English support in our new state of the art stadium, built from designs by Scandinavian arcitects and sposored by Arabs.

I must repeat that this club is, and never will be for sale. We will not sacrifice its English character for the short term gains of the American dollar. However, I have noticed the exchange rate is particularly strong at the moment. Hmmm.

See you in the Bergkamp Gallery! Come on you traditional, English, not for sale Gunners!

Peter Hil-Wood

Unique opportunity for Arsenal fans, or any other bozo with £45million in his pocket.

Today’s guest writer, fresh from the sunlamp, is David Dein.

Good evening.

Dennis Bergkamp has kindly allowed me this opportunity to write on his website. I thank him for this and hope you could give me some of your time to discuss a unique opportunity.

I have, as you know, parted company with Arsenal Football Club PLC, after many successful and exciting years. This allows me to offer the public and loyal support of the Arsenal a proportion of my shareholding in Arsenal PLC.

What you will receive 

For the sum of just £45million pounds, you will receive:

1. A seat on Arsenal’s board. However, please note that as a condition of the sale I will, of course retain this place on the board.

2. An opportunity to sit in the crowd and occasionally appear in National newspapers as being responsible for the decline in English football. Which, the papers will say, is now solely about money and not about sportmanship and how other teams cannot compete, which undermines the Premiership and England’s chances of winning the World Cup. This will however, be very temporary because within months they will be falling overthemselves and drooling at the grossly overpaid megastars you will pay for, and who will fill their pages.

3. You will also be hated by all fans of the club, because you don’t represent their traditional values. Until you start winning stuff, when your fan base will mysteriously increase, everyone will start wearing the club’s replica shirts, and claim they supported the club since “as long ago as early 2005, when they were only second, so I’m not a glory hunter, alright! What’s our goalkeeper’s name again?”

4. A commemorative “I fucked up Arsenal” Membership pack. This exclusive pack, only available to shareholders and new monied fleecers come with an exclusive book – containing interviews with the players (not Arsenal players), pictures from the training ground (or just outside from my Porsche, before I got moved on) and holiday snaps of my kids many years ago in Gwent (had to fill the pages somehow), also an exclusive pen (broken and nicked from Argos), and genuine replica fake rubber Thierry Henry nipple(or other player if this player’s fake nipple is not available) .

How your investment will be used at the club.

The money you invest will be used to:

1. Pay overrated world stars inflated salaries to keep our subs bench warm. Whilst allowing our developed and committed talent time to rot in the reserves before being sold to one of our competitors and coming back to haunt us later on.

2. Money will also be used to test out a number of foreign and high profile managers with little or no success.

3. Current world stars at the club will be sold to pay off my own vast credit card debt accumalated at Sindy’s Sunarium on the Ball’s Pond Road. Thanks Sind, you’re a treasure!

Please send cheques (US Dollars at current exchange rate – International Money Drafts accepted) for £45,000,000 to:

David Dein
Behind the burger stand on the corner of Drayton Park,
Only after 6pm on match days,
London N5 1BU

See you in the Bergkamp Gallery! (or possibly standing on a box outside the Auld Triangle selling Ashley Cole CD’s)

PS Thanks once again for the selling space again Dennis. Ebay charge 12p for this sort of thing nowadays.